As the title of this entry suggests, I’ve been let go from my job. Laid off. (Although I have never liked that term.) It happened yesterday afternoon around 1:30pm, relatively non-eventful and without any dramatic scenes. Basically, since I had changed departments a few weeks earlier and hadn’t ever unpacked my boxes – I grabbed the two of them, walked to my car and drove off – after deleting all of the junk I could from my work computer – mostly loose files that don’t mean anything to anyone except myself – just in time too because the IT guys arrived right after I had logged off…

Of course this isn’t my first time losing my job due to the industry/slowdown/company troubles. However, this one is slightly more inconvenient. Plus I’m not getting anywhere near the same amount of severance. I will say that telecommuting, and being a bit stubborn has helped in that I was paid ALL of my vacation time – even though arguably I wasn’t in the office for almost 6 weeks this year – but nothing’s on paper, and in the end I always completed my job duties. Although not much, the vacation pay helps greatly.

So while there is that initial stress of ‘not having a job’ – I can’t freak out yet. Not yet. I’m waiting on 2.5 jobs to get back to me with an answer so I’ve at the very least got to get through the weekend without freaking out. And still – it’s like red alert around here. Cost cutting measures and reduction. With real efforts towards curbing spending and such, we’ll be fine for at least two months – and that’s if I do NOTHING during that whole time (which obviously will not be the case.)

But I’m awake again today at 4:30am because I feel like I have to keep to my normal schedule… If I do not keep myself busy I will fall into that slump, that depression or overwhelming high anxiety that I suppose some people get after something like this happens.

And yet, we still went to our regular Wednesday night StandUp for Kids outreach – where we work/counsel/provide food and hygiene packs to at risk, about to be homeless and homeless RIGHT NOW kids. And although it’s very easy to become disillusioned with them, with their no action and lack of progress – lately I’ve been working with two youths whom I actually connect with. They live in an abandoned school which I’m sure is quite condemned. It’s been raining a lot here lately and I know the place leaks and floods badly. They didn’t even have flashlights until I gave them a few last night.

And while they may have made some unwise choices such as leaving their parents (which in cases like these is always a difficult call since MANY parents truly are that awful) – they are not like so many of the other kids. At least to me. They communicate. They don’t have that ungrateful attitude of entitlement that many other streetkids present (and I’m not saying that I don’t understand the facades that many have to take on). I simply feel like these two genuinely appreciate the help I give them, and are not taking advantage of the system that to a degree does enable their lifestyle.

Sure they have to turn some corners such as getting their birth certificates so that they can get an ID so that they can get jobs – but that’s in the works… and we’ll see how that actually goes. However until they let me down – but more importantly themselves down – I am left with thinking about them going back to that abandoned school that’s been flooded by the rain, and sleeping there at night.

That was yesterday.

Clearly there are many things beyond my control. If you know me, I’ve clearly spent most of the past decade trying to control the few things that I can control. Whittling down the stream of consciousness to a mere three focuses – work, school, and exercise. That was a few years ago and these days – they are still a focus but not nearly as all-consuming as they once were. More and more I’m having to catch up and read and learn and generally increase the rate of information cramming – and I’m not even talking about the subjects they teach at school. I don’t know how I feel about things. We’ve said it before – but this blog has helped to remind us of everyday and stopped the constant rush of life passing by without us noticing. So I remember more. I remember part of what I was thinking or doing last week, two weeks or three months ago.

And I know I take many photos, and Leah’s always telling me to put the camera away, and I don’t – but there’s so much life that we capture while we’re living it and it’s just… I know that at some point I’ll probably fall out of the habit of keeping up with the photos and the blogging so religiously – and I’ll wish that I hadn’t ever stopped. So while we’re on a roll, while I’m on a roll, there’s no stopping. I’m still dealing with trying to keep the separation between showing our lives, protecting privacy/things that could come back to haunt later – while sharing something more meaningful than a steady list of ‘I did this, and then I did this, oh, and then that…”

And while I’m rambling and trying to spit something out – I suppose the summary is always simple. My summary to all of those printed thoughts up there is that I feel more aware, alive, and hungry for everything. To learn, to make stuff, to keep going with direction and purpose and knowing that it’s a real fight, a slight struggle to not get overwhelmed by work, by other people, by the insides of my head – life in general. And whereas I once spent my days distracting myself waiting for the weekend, waiting for the next job, waiting for something else to come along and change things… nevermind.

What did I do during all of those years that I can’t remember?

It’s okay. I’ve got other things to do.