Before I became a mom, I promised myself I would make self-care a priority. I can’t be a good mom if I’m exhausted/unhealthy/unhappy, right? Makes perfect sense. I did a great job of taking care of myself throughout my pregnancy. I rested when I felt tired. I ate nutritious foods. I said no to anything I didn’t feel like doing. I protected my “me” time ferociously. I meditated. I showered myself with love and kindness and dark chocolate.
I thought about what my life would be like once BabyRoX was here. In my head, it was this perfect balance of mom-time, me-time, friend-time, work-time, and Mark-time. I’m self-employed, so I can set my own schedule. I’m good at the work-life balance. I love spending time with friends, with my husband, and all by my sweet little self. I’m passionate about my work. Soooo… dividing my time between all these should be easy, right? I pictured date nights with Mark while loving family members watched our kidlet, fun nights out with friends while Mark and Jonah had some father-son bonding time, solo hikes in the woods to restore and rejuvenate my mind and body, blocks of time each day devoted to work projects – both creative and administrative. Having a child wasn’t going to strip me of all these other things I wanted to do!
And then I had a baby.
And it’s not that I *can’t* segment my time the way I want. It’s not that being a mom is so much more demanding than I anticipated that I just don’t have the time or energy to do anything else. It’s that… as much as I want to do all these other things, as nice as all of that sounds… I’d really rather just hang out with my child.
In fact, the longest I’ve been away from BabyRoX is just over 2 hours. People tell me that this is normal, that of course I want to be with my baby, that of course leaving him is difficult. And that’s good to hear (not that I’ve ever been too concerned with being normal…I mean, I did give birth at home and eat my placenta and teach my baby to pee on the potty and all that jazz)… but I’m wondering if I should just let this progress naturally, and only leave Jonah for longer periods when I feel ready, or if it will just always be difficult until one day its not and I should just power through, and leave him from 3 hours, then 4 hours, then 6, then 8, then a day.
I’m supposed to shoot a wedding out of state in May… and I’m already feeling anxious about it. Do I take BabyRoX with me and bring along a trusted friend or relative to watch him? Do I leave him in Atlanta and go away for nearly 3 days without him? And if I do go away for the weekend and leave my child here, I suppose I should start building up to that separation… which means leaving him in someone else’s care for longer than 2 hours before May gets here. And it’s already March. Gah!
I’m really not sure what to do. So I’m asking the internet… what did YOU do? How did you handle this? Help!
In the meantime I’ll just be here, hanging out with my baby. Contentedly addicted.